Kabarkada Jokes and Humours

Dennis Rodman

dhundee — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 02:05:49 +0000

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”. She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.” A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!” He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.

How to deliver bad news

dhundee — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 19:49:23 +0000

KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw….

“Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, ‘yung
katiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo.”

“O, Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano’t napatawag ka? May
problema ba?

“Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na
namatay ang alaga niyong parrot.”

‘Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? ‘Yung nanalo sa
bird show?

“Opo, Master Carlos, ‘yun na nga po.”

“Putris … sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko
sa ibong ‘yon.
Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?”

“E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne….”

“Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang
nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?”

“W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay
na kabayo.”

“Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Arnaldo?”

“E, ‘yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir.
Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ng
kariton ng tubig.”

“Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng
tubbbiiiiggggg? ”

“‘Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog.”

“Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman ‘yang pinagsasasabi
mo?”

“‘Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo…. Tumumba po
‘yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab ‘yung
kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy….”

“Ano? Puuut*#*@?!@ …. E, may kuryente naman diyan sa
bahay-bakasyunan, a.
Para saan ‘yung kandila?”

“Para sa burol po.”

“Ano? Kaninong burol?

“Sa nanay n’yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito
nu’ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas
hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko.”

nuts

dhundee — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 07:08:10 +0000

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.

The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open.

Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here!

Sex preoccupation

dhundee — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 07:05:58 +0000

A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the Rorschach test.

After each ink blot the patient excliams it is a couple copulating.

The psychiatrist stops the test and excliams, “You appear to have a preoccupation with sex.”

And the patient replies, “You’re the one showing the dirty pictures.”

Elephants

dhundee — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 07:04:46 +0000

The Psychiatrist was escorting a patient from one Psychiatric Hospital to another. They were travelling by train, and the Psychiatrist was intrigued to see the patient tearing up bits of paper and throwing them out of the window.

“What are you doing that for?” asked the Psychiatrist.

“It’s to keep the elephants away !” answered the patient.

“But there are no elephants in Surrey,” pointed out the Psychiatrist.

“Effective, isn’t it?” was the logical answer.

The wall

dhundee — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 07:02:02 +0000

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said,

“I don’t hear anything.”

The mental patient said,

“Yeah, I know. It’s been like that for months.”

The pool

dhundee — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 07:00:16 +0000

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.

“Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

Watch dogs

dhundee — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 06:58:56 +0000

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,

‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’

‘HELLLOOOOOOO. …..,’
answered the blond. ‘They’re watch dogs!’

In a Vacuum

dhundee — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 06:57:49 +0000

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’

She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

Blonde on the sun

dhundee — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 06:56:52 +0000

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
‘We were the first in space!’

The American said,
‘We were the first on the moon!’

The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot!
You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’