A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.
The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”
Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open.
Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here!
A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the Rorschach test.
After each ink blot the patient excliams it is a couple copulating.
The psychiatrist stops the test and excliams, “You appear to have a preoccupation with sex.”
And the patient replies, “You’re the one showing the dirty pictures.”
The Psychiatrist was escorting a patient from one Psychiatric Hospital to another. They were travelling by train, and the Psychiatrist was intrigued to see the patient tearing up bits of paper and throwing them out of the window.
“What are you doing that for?” asked the Psychiatrist.
“It’s to keep the elephants away !” answered the patient.
“But there are no elephants in Surrey,” pointed out the Psychiatrist.
“Effective, isn’t it?” was the logical answer.
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said,
“I don’t hear anything.”
The mental patient said,
“Yeah, I know. It’s been like that for months.”
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
“Well Doc, I can’t swim!”