A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”. She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.” A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!” He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.
The Psychiatrist was escorting a patient from one Psychiatric Hospital to another. They were travelling by train, and the Psychiatrist was intrigued to see the patient tearing up bits of paper and throwing them out of the window.
“What are you doing that for?” asked the Psychiatrist.
“It’s to keep the elephants away !” answered the patient.
“But there are no elephants in Surrey,” pointed out the Psychiatrist.
“Effective, isn’t it?” was the logical answer.
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
“Well Doc, I can’t swim!”
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
‘Impossible! ‘ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’
The redhead took her
finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said,
‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?
‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’
‘I thought so,’ the doctor said.
‘Your finger is broken.’
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, ‘What’s the story?’
He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’
She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’
Wife … maghiwalay na tayo!
Man … ok! akin ang bahay!
Wife … Akin ang farm!
Man … Akin ang kotse!
Wife … Wag mo isama driver, matagal ng akin yan.
Man … Magkakamatayan tayo! Akin siya!
Reporter … Manny, anong bill ang gagawin mo kapag congressman ka na?
Manny … Ano’ng bill? yung tomotonog pagkatapos ng bawa’t round sa bukseng?
A lawyer driving on a highway notices a crowd in an intersection.
With his urge to get into the thick crowd and see the action, he shouted,
“I’M THE SON OF THE VICTIM.”
Upon hearing, the people made way for him to get through.
There he saw, bloody and helpless lying in front of the people…a pig bumped by a trailer truck!
Pasyente … Doc, may problema ako…tuwing alas otso ng umaga dumudumi ako…
Doktor … so, anong problema doon?
Pasyente … Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising.
Customer: waiter! bakit ang tagal ng order ko? ilan ba ang cook nyo dito?
Waiter: ay, sir, wala pu kame cuk dito…pipse lang. pipse!!