How to deliver bad news

KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw….

“Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, ‘yung
katiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo.”

“O, Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano’t napatawag ka? May
problema ba?

“Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na
namatay ang alaga niyong parrot.”

‘Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? ‘Yung nanalo sa
bird show?

“Opo, Master Carlos, ‘yun na nga po.”

“Putris … sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko
sa ibong ‘yon.
Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?”

“E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne….”

“Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang
nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?”

“W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay
na kabayo.”

“Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Arnaldo?”

“E, ‘yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir.
Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ng
kariton ng tubig.”

“Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng
tubbbiiiiggggg? ”

“‘Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog.”

“Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman ‘yang pinagsasasabi
mo?”

“‘Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo…. Tumumba po
‘yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab ‘yung
kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy….”

“Ano? Puuut*#*@?!@ …. E, may kuryente naman diyan sa
bahay-bakasyunan, a.
Para saan ‘yung kandila?”

“Para sa burol po.”

“Ano? Kaninong burol?

“Sa nanay n’yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito
nu’ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas
hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko.”

BLONDES

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’

The other blonde turns and says
‘Helloooooo, can you see Florida ????’

Software Upgrade

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
“A Troubled User”

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the
program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend
Fineclothes 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Vacuum Cleaner

Ako si Gregorio Magtangol, isang Mechanical Engineer sa Pilipinas.

Sa hirap maghanap ng trabaho sa panahon ngayon, pati pag se-salesman ng vacuum cleaner ay pinasok ko na.

Minsan, pumunta ako sa isang bahay sa isang barangay. Kumatok ako sa pinto… Isang malaking misis ang nagbukas sa akin. Pero bago nakapagsalita ang babae, inunahan ko sya. mabilis akong  pumasok papunta sa sala nila para di na makatangi sa presentation ko.

Katulad ng utos ng boss ko, binuksan ko ang isang plastic bag ng  SM at ibinuhos lahat ng lamang tae ng kalabaw sa carpet. this was a technique taught to me In selling to get a massive and immediate attention from the buyer.

Sabi ko sa kanya w/ confidence: “Misis, pag di nalinis ng vacuum cleaner ko NGAYON ang mga tae sa carpet niyo, kakainin ko isa-isa yan!”, ang mayabang na sinambit ko.

“Gusto mo ng ketsup para diyan?”, tanong ng babae.

Sabi ko, “Bakit po?”

“Eh, kalilipat lang namin. wala pa kaming kuryente.”

DNA

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na…
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: “Di Namin Alam “

Bagong salta sa America

Bagong salta sa America, yung Pinoy ay gustong mag-long distance sa Pilipinas kaya dinayal yung “0 for Operator”.
Operator: AT&T. How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you’re calling?
Pinoy: Aybegyurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you’re calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?

You have Mail!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,”Is something wrong?”

To which the ferocious Singh replied, ” There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!”