At the bus October 11, 2006
A bus stops and two men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”
The lady can’t take this any more,”You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pigs,” she retorted indignantly. “In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.”Who …
Rectal Thermometer October 3, 2006
When you have a “I hate My Job” day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or bro …
The Seargeant Major
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me,
Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, …
forgive your enemies
Toward the end of the church service, the Minister asked,
“How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.
“Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight.” she replied.
“Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how
a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the
world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and …
The Closet
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: …
Psychic Dog
A Georgia farm wife called the local phone company to report that
her telephone failed to ring when her friends called — and that on
the few occasions when it did ring her pet dog always moaned right
before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set and
dialed the subscriber’s house.
The phone didn’t ring right away, but then after he heard the dog
moaning loudly, the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the …
The 11th husband
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced
ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten
times?”
“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.”
“Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.”
“Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system …
The Barn
Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with
only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he
put him in the barn and said “you stay here until you learn how to
behave yourself.”
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain, a real heavy down pour.
About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and
asked the Farmer for a place to stay.
The Farmer told him he didn’t have room in the house, however he
could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in
the barn and his tame bear was …