nuts

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.

The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open.

Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here!

Sex preoccupation

A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the Rorschach test.

After each ink blot the patient excliams it is a couple copulating.

The psychiatrist stops the test and excliams, “You appear to have a preoccupation with sex.”

And the patient replies, “You’re the one showing the dirty pictures.”

Elephants

The Psychiatrist was escorting a patient from one Psychiatric Hospital to another. They were travelling by train, and the Psychiatrist was intrigued to see the patient tearing up bits of paper and throwing them out of the window.

“What are you doing that for?” asked the Psychiatrist.

“It’s to keep the elephants away !” answered the patient.

“But there are no elephants in Surrey,” pointed out the Psychiatrist.

“Effective, isn’t it?” was the logical answer.

The wall

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said,

“I don’t hear anything.”

The mental patient said,

“Yeah, I know. It’s been like that for months.”

The pool

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.

“Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

Watch dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,

‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’

‘HELLLOOOOOOO. …..,’
answered the blond. ‘They’re watch dogs!’

In a Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’

She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

Blonde on the sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
‘We were the first in space!’

The American said,
‘We were the first on the moon!’

The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot!
You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

Knitting

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,

‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’

the blonde yelled back,

‘IT’S A SCARF!’

At the Doctor’s office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

‘Impossible! ‘ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’

The redhead took her
finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said,
‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?

‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said.
‘Your finger is broken.’