At the bus

A bus stops and two men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

“Emma come first
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”

The lady can’t take this any more,”You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pigs,” she retorted indignantly. “In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.”Who sa talkin’abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’ .”

Rectal Thermometer

When you have a “I hate My Job” day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or bro ken. Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, “Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested”.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in th e Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson.”

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

The Seargeant Major

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me,
Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?”

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

forgive your enemies

Toward the end of the church service, the Minister asked,
“How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.

“Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight.” she replied.
“Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how
a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the
world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said: “I outlived the bitches.”

The Closet

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “$750.”

Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball.” The boy says, “I ca n’t. I sold them.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” The son says,”$1,000.” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

Psychic Dog

A Georgia farm wife called the local phone company to report that
her telephone failed to ring when her friends called — and that on
the few occasions when it did ring her pet dog always moaned right
before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set and
dialed the subscriber’s house.

The phone didn’t ring right away, but then after he heard the dog
moaning loudly, the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground
wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current
when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning
and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing
the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing and
moaning!

The 11th husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced
ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,

“Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten
times?”

“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.”

“Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.”

“Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.”

“Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.”

“Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the- art
method.”

“Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t
sure whether it was his job or not.”

“Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.”

“Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.”

“Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look.”

“Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was…. God, I miss
him!”

“But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited!”

“Wonderful,” said the husband, “but, why?”

“You’re with the Government.. .. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed.”

The Barn

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with
only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he
put him in the barn and said “you stay here until you learn how to
behave yourself.”

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain, a real heavy down pour.

About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and
asked the Farmer for a place to stay.

The Farmer told him he didn’t have room in the house, however he
could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in
the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear
would not bother him.

The salesman went to the barn.

Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the
Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear.

The salesmen left for the barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.

He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling
salesmen. However, he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot
to mention the bear.

The woman said, “I can take care of myself,” and left for the barn.

Two hours later the farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door.

When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes
torn and rumpled.

The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.

The woman replied “I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me
forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap
bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks!”